I recently read one of those “inspirational” posts that said, if you have time to scroll through social media or watch a TV show you have time to meditate.
When I saw this post, I began shedding tears.
At that moment, I was scrolling through Facebook to check on a friend whose son was in the ER and who has been really struggling. I’m not one to overwhelm a person with texts in the middle of a crisis so I chose to see if there were updates online.
I could only imagine my friend coming across this post as her son is in the ER and being devastated for another thing she isn’t “doing right”.
When did the idea of self-care become so judgy?
This got me thinking about all my other mom friends who struggle day in and day out just to make life happen. And it made me wonder, why do we make self-care so hard and burdensome for those who need it most and then judge them when they just can’t?
I’m not a mom myself and I don’t think stress and distress are exclusive to being a mom, but we place such a significant burden on moms to be everything to everyone all of the time. Moms often feel judgment from so many different people. It’s their bosses, parents, in-laws, other moms, the media and worst of all themselves.
Now to add to the pain it’s also their yoga teacher, that meditation blogger and other self-care professionals that have gotten into shaming people for not finding time for themselves.
And it pisses me the fuck off.
I see the moms out there staying up late with a sick child, a massive looming work deadline, a car that needs repairs and feeling like they just aren’t enough. I see them trying to hold everything together in ways that are beyond human. I don’t see anyone who isn’t trying.
We can never assume we understand what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes. We only ever see small glimpses of the struggles others face.
Yes, self-care is important but most days it can’t look like Instagram for most people. Especially moms. In fact, self-care and meditation should look different from one person to another. But we so narrowly define it that it is often unobtainable even for those without children.
So instead of spreading judgment I want to spread a little love to those who so desperately need self-care and the benefits of meditation but just can’t.
Dear Moms,
I see you and I love you.
You who are on the go, stressed out and giving your all to your family and your work. Your determination to face each day and fight through the mounds of bullshit that modern society throws at you with persistence and love is inspiring.
It never ceases to amaze me.
You are the heart and heroes of our world.
I see you overwhelmed and stressed by all the demands of life. I see that you barely had time to breathe or shower. I understand that what that person said to you hurt more than it should just because you are emotionally exhausted. I hear that you feel like you are not enough.
And I know you are doing your best.
In fact, you amaze me. Each day you somehow find the strength to keep going even when the odds seem against you. You are and do so much more than you realize.
You consistently inspire me. I don’t say that enough and you need to hear that more.
You are enough and you do enough, whether you found time today to meditate or not.
Because the reality is, that meditation wasn’t made by or for moms. Yes, it can help but honestly, sometimes the burden of finding space and time is NOT possible or is too much physically and emotionally. That is the truth and I wish people would be more honest with you about that.
So check Facebook, and watch that show that brings you joy. Maybe add a cup of tea if you can, take a few deep breaths or repeatedly remind yourself that you are doing better than you think, because these moments scattered throughout the day are what real self-care looks like for real people in the modern world.
And you live in the real world. Not in a monastery separate from society thousands of years ago where most meditation practices were developed (and no moms were present). You live in the real in-your-face on-the-go world that never stops.
So do what you need to do to make it through and show yourself love when you can, whether that is meditation or not.
Remember that you are a hero and your love and persistence inspires others, even when you don’t realize it.
And if anyone tries to make you feel bad for not taking care of yourself in a way that looks like what they think it should, tell them to fuck off.
With deep admiration and love,
Amanda
